beautifullybrokendisgrace:

Take Away Control

One of my biggest kinks is the loss of control. More than that, it’s the idea that someone has assumed my volition and turned it against me. It’s not always in a cliched fashion of physical restraint or ropes and chains. It can be subtle, it can be through mind games or power of suggestion, it can be so intertwined into who a person is. That persona that exudes out of them, as if this personality had hands and arms of its own to grab you. Consuming everything you are and ever hoped to be. It’s scary to admit to myself actually.

I have been in control of my life for such a long time, always making decision and choices when required. Wanting to feel free of those shackles and have them replaced by different ones won’t shock many, especially here. And Surprisingly enough, as controlling as I seem and feel in my daily life, I let it go quite easily to lovers who have that touch required to flip the switch. That special key that will only fit into my locked cage. That’s what makes it so scary. I can get lost in letting go, I can get lost in someone wanting to take that control from me. Many times I’ve allowed myself to succumb to the will of someone who wasn’t worth it and yet still, somehow even knowing they’re no good, I crave the effect they had on me. Even now, writing this, I can think of a man that would never let me win at the mind games he’d profess to not be playing. I crave how small and powerless I’d feel with him even though I fought back often.

I can sink so deep in the throes of giving up control it becomes toxic. It’s interesting to say and feel, but I’m my own worst enemy. There are people out there who look for this quality in others and pursue them to do one thing and one thing only: take them to their lowest possible place and leave them there. It shouldn’t be romanticized, but in my mind it becomes just that. That idea of grasping for a lifeline, for air, for anything they’ll give because as long as it’s by their hands you know have worth through them. You’re worth something to someone.

I can’t fully express in words the way that I feel and please don’t take this as an admission of willingly wanting to be abused or otherwise, that is not the case. Nor is abuse of any kind romantic, sexy, or good. These are just thoughts on my mind and things I’ve learned, even in my cravings for letting go, to watch out for. These are things I know of myself, these are things I share because I want to be real and raw here.